By BodyMatters therapist Sarah McMahon
At BodyMatters we have long been inspired by Jessica Smith and her ongoing advocacy around body image and eating disorders. Jessica is a remarkable individual with an impressive story to share. She is paralympian. She has also recovered from an eating disorder. Some of the advocacy she has become well known for include this video on body image and her Join The Revolution campaign. She kindly agreed to be interviewed by us following the launch of her fantastic new book, Little Miss Jessica Goes To School. This book has been written to educate kids on the notions of diversity and difference- which is paramount given kids are very much aware of these concepts. It comes highly recommended by us! Many thanks to Jess for this interview.
Jess, you have written about “looking different” growing up. Can you tell us a bit about that experience for you?
I was born missing my left forearm, and unfortunately at the time there was no explanation as to why this had occurred. Doctors encouraged my parents to have me fitted with a prosthetic arm as young as possible to help aid my growth and development. But at just 18 months of age while struggling to get used to my new arm, I accidently knocked a kettle of boiling water on myself and suffered third degree burns to 15% of my body.
I don’t remember anything about this incident, however looking back at photos and listening to my parents talk about it, I know that is was an extremely traumatic event. Not just for me but my entire family. And unfortunately the trauma was something that stayed around for many years.
I’m not sure why exactly, but from a young age I was very driven and determined. My parents certainly worked hard to ensure that I never felt sorry for myself, and instead pushed me to find my own way of doing things. So whenever people told me I couldn’t do something, I made it my mission to find a way … and do it perfectly.
I had a burning desire to prove people wrong. I never wanted to be limited by my appearance.
I found comfort in sport, in particular swimming. From the age of ten I was winning races against girls and boys with both arms, and that sense of achievement was a form of validation for me. I loved being in the water, I felt powerful and invincible. I was able to use my body and push myself beyond so many physical boundaries, boundaries that had essentially been set by other people.
It felt exhilarating to be good at something, in spite of my so called ‘challenges’.
At 13 I was the youngest member of the Australian Swimming Team. I went on to successfully compete for Australia for 7 consecutive years. I broke records, won medals and travelled the world doing what I loved. In 2004 I was selected onto the Australian Paralympic Team to compete in Athens, by far the highlight of my swimming career.
But behind closed doors there was a lingering sense of self doubt. No matter how hard I tried to focus on all the incredible achievements in my life, my body image was the one issue that kept pulling me down. Not matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to escape the pressures from society when it came to appearance.
I grew up looking and feeling different. In a society where so much emphasis is placed on physical appearance and the desire for perfection, I felt isolated and alone. I had no control over the fact that I had one arm or scaring, yet I felt compelled to conform to society’s moulds of beauty and perfection. I convinced myself that I needed to attain perfection in every other aspect, anything I could control I did. I starved myself thinking it was the only way to feel accepted within society. I believed that if I could just have a body like the models I saw on TV and in the magazines then maybe people would see past my other obvious ‘imperfections’.
At 16 I was diagnosed with anorexia, bulimia and major depression.
The anguish, despair, isolation and self hatred I felt on a daily basis momentarily eased when I found solace in Anorexia and Bulimia. But as anyone who has experienced the depth of an eating disorder will know, these feelings and emotions were simply amplified by my destructive behaviours.
For more than a decade I desperately tried to feel connected to a society that placed so much emphasis on physical appearance. Eventually it became too much and by the time I reached my early twenties I had literally hit rock-bottom both physically and emotionally.
I was forced into early retirement from swimming, and for me that was the absolute moment of despair. I felt as though my life was over. And in many ways, it almost was.
But, I finally realised that my frantic desire to change who I was, thinking it would make me happy, was in actual fact the exact desire that was destroying my life.
The first step for overcoming negative body image, was recognising that I actually had a problem. For so many years I lived in denial. Once I allowed myself to be honest and admit that I was struggling with low self-esteem and negative body image, I essentially allowed myself to take the first step in the recovery journey.
The recovery journey has been difficult, but the most rewarding achievement in my life to date.
“Looking different” had a profound impact on your sense of self and ultimately you ended up developing an eating disorder. Now you are recovered, how do you feel looking back on the time you were so sick?
Looking back I feel so disconnected from the person that I once was. At times I feel so sad for everything that I had to endure, because it was extremely painful, both physically and emotionally.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, although I don’t have any regrets in life, there are certainly times when I wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy life and not disrespect myself by punishing my body so much.
I wasn’t able to give myself a voice during the times that I was struggling most, and it is because of this that I now work so hard to be a voice for others who are currently struggling.
What things helped you most in your recovery?
Speaking to other women and men who had recovered, was one of the most crucial elements to my recovery.
Listening to others who had recovered, gave me hope. I realised that I hadn’t destroyed my chances of gaining my life back, I just needed to trust the recovery journey. At first, trusting the ‘idea’ of recovery was such a difficult thing for me to do. Learning to let go, wow, I really struggled doing that. But seeing that others had felt this same way, yet they had to let go and trust their recovery journey in order to regain their life, showed me that I had to take those steps too.
I was also very lucky to have such a supporting family network. They often didn’t and couldn’t understand what I was going through, but just knowing they were there if I needed them was such a reassurance.
What advice would you give partners & parents who are caring for a loved one with an eating disorder?
Partners and families can play a significant role in managing and caring for someone with an eating disorder. They are often the ones that can provide physical, emotional and psychological support. There are a few things that partners and parents can do, such as being prepared and educating themselves on the complexity of eating disorders, this will help them to better understand what their loved one is going through and as a result make them feel more confident in talking to their loved one.
The language partners and parents use is also really important, being supportive and loving while also being aware of your own needs and boundaries is very important.
Most importantly, know that it’s not your fault. It can be very difficult for family members to understand how or why their loved one is suffering, and often this leads to feelings of guilt.
Family members must realise that they are not to blame. And together with the help of professionals, they will get through this with their loved one.
Your new book “Little Miss Jessica Goes To School” addresses important themes for kids to be aware of- body diversity and difference being key. Why are these concepts so vital for kids to understand?
When I was growing up there were no characters in books or on television that looked like me. I grew up with Barbie and Disney Princesses. There was no diversity in the characters I saw, just beautiful flawless females who I aspired to look like.
When I asked myself what it was that I wanted to achieve by writing a children’s book, the answer was simple; awareness and prevention.
I have been sharing my story publicly as a motivational speaker for many years, and my goal has always been about promoting awareness and educating as many people as possible about the benefits of positive body image. My target audience for the past five years has been youth, in particular young females, and although I believe I am able to connect and make a difference with this age group, I’ve always believed that promoting positive body image and self worth at a young age is crucial.
I thought back to the characters that I grew up with and realised that the sheer lack of diversity was a concerning issue. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong about characters such as Barbie, Cinderella, Batman or Superman – these are the characters that ignite our imagination and encourage us to fantasise.
But children also need to see and read about characters that represent what they see in real life. They need to see characters with imperfections and characters with differences.
The book is not just about a young girl who has one hand on her first day at school. It’s also about her journey in discovering that we are all different. Along the way she meets other characters who also have a different appearance to her, and together they learn to appreciate who they and how they look, in spite of their differences.
The book tackles a range of issues such as self esteem, disability, body image, friendship, acceptance, tolerance and social connection.
And delivers a fundamental message for younger generations about self acceptance – a message that reminds us all that being different is OK.
Your advocacy is not limited to children & and recognises body anxiety as a societal issue that adults face. In particular you are well known for your inspiring work that encourages us to “join the revolution” and start a positive conversation about our bodies- rather than engaging in fat talk & body shaming. What other things can you recommend to help improve body confidence?
The social media campaign ‘JOIN THE REVOLUTION’ was a way for me to encourage people of all ages and backgrounds to use various communication platforms to talk about body image. I was amazed at how far the campaign spread in such a short time, from rural NSW to the streets of NYC – people were getting involved using social media in a positive way to generate conversations about body image.
I believe that talking more about these issues is paramount, but there are other ways in which people can boost their own body confidence.
For example improving general health and well being, eating foods that you enjoy and that make you feel good. Foods that are nutritionally beneficial to the way your body functions. Allowing yourself to get enough rest, but also ensuring that you are active by moving your body in ways that make you feel good. Enhancing media literacy by educating ourselves on how the media often manipulates body and beauty ideals, and learning to challenge unrealistic messages that the media filter through to society.
The more we talk about body image, the greater chance we have of alleviating the pressures that so many people feel when it comes to appearance. When we talk more about an issues it becomes less daunting, so I truly believe that one of the greatest ways to boost self esteem is by being open and honest about your feelings.
Listen to your body, it will always tell you what it needs.
