The 9 essential things that a girl needs from her father

By BodyMatters therapist Sarah McMahon

The Best First Date has gone viral, being viewed over 8.5 million times. If you haven’t see it yet, this short video showcases a “date” between Aaron Dickson and his 3 year old daughter Analynne. Aaron spoke about how much he loved his daughters & wanted to inspire fathers to cherish their daughters too. Aaron, we salute you!

Too many fathers shy away from taking a hands on role in parenting daughters simply because they don’t know how to do it. Yet a positive father daughter relationship protects girls against so many problems, including body image and eating issues.

While many people have found the video heartwarming, there are the usual naysayers who have criticised the video as being “creepy” due to the romantic undertones that a “daddy-daughter date” suggest. There is no doubt that for fathers, parenting daughters is difficult at best. However I think this shocking reaction to such an endearing video highlights a further complication that fathers contend with: a society obsessed with sex, miseducated about sexual abuse, confused by the supposed “oedipal complex” and terrified by litigation.

What is it, then, that a girl needs from her father? Working with mostly girls and young women, this is something I’ve given a lot of thought to. My observations are backed by over a decade of clinical experience. Below are, in my opinion, nine essentials. I am sure there are more!

1. Watch how you treat women. This includes how you treat your daughter’s mum, no matter what your relationship with her is like and no matter how old your daughter might be. It also includes comments you make about other woman, particularly in relation to their appearance or sexual desirability. Put simply, don’t. Don’t comment on other women’s appearance- good or bad- because it sends the message to girls that “appearance” is the most important feature of females. When you do comment on women, keep it focused on their positive attributes, their skills and their capabilities. Little girls are very porous and how you treat women will be absorbed by them, leaving a lasting impression. It will also determine what your daughter expects from men and predict the types of partners she  chooses in the future.

2. Express physical affection. Especially during teenagehood. Many fathers withdraw physical affection at this time and this is incredibly confusing for girls. Adolescent girls will not understand the complexities of modern culture, where a hug from Dad could be misconstrued as being sexual, or a daddy-daughter date is seen as creepy. They simply need to feel loved by their Dad and physical affection is a concrete and validating method of expressing this. Furthermore, withdrawing physical affection during puberty is experienced by teenage girls as being a withdrawal of love. This is a time when girls need more love than ever, because it can be very confusing when your own body begins to change. Puberty is hard enough as it is, without the added worry that your father loves you less because of it.

3. Practice consistency. This is an important principle for any parenting, but particularly so for fathers toward their daughters. A daughters internal and external environment is likely to be filled with ups and downs, particularly during adolescence. As a father, your steady guidance and calm objective presence is vital.

4. Help her build her sense of self worth on things other than her appearance. We have very little control over how we look. Our height, for example, is almost impossible to change. Heritability determines 70% of our body shape and weight.  If she grows up believing her appearance is her only currency she is far more likely to be susceptible to eating and body image issues. If she grows up believing her appearance is her only currency she is also more likely to depend upon her sexual desirability for her sense of self worth.

5. Build her sense of self worth. Adore her. Celebrate her. Do tell her she is beautiful on the outside- she needs to hear this. But more importantly, focus on her inner beauty and attributes. All of her attributes- her intellect, her skills, her sporting capacity, her kindness, her personality, her leadership. This will impact her sense of adequacy and help her build a healthy self image. THIS is how you can help to build her sense of self worth on things other than her appearance: she will become the person you believe her- and tell her- to be.

6. Offer unconditional love. This needs to be exhibited in words, that is, telling her regularly that you love her. But it also needs to be clear by your actions and behaviour. Working to pay the bills isn’t a type of love that your daughter will ever appreciate until she has to pay her own bills- and by then it is far too late!

7. Don’t prescribe gender roles. Part of growing up is about trying different roles. Many little girls love make-up, high heels and nail polish. However some don’t, and if this is your daughter it is really important for you to let her be who she wants to be.

8. Model and share physical activity. Physical activity is the best predictor of physical health and an excellent protective factor for good mental health. In addition to engaging in health giving behaviour, it is also a really easy way for you to share quality time with your daughter. Physical activity is something you can share with her at any age.

9. Finally, daddy-daughter dates are awesome! Build quality time together into your life. Share a real and genuine relationship. Be interested in the things that interest her. She needs a Dad involved in her life- at every stage. Take it easy on the presents you give her for things like birthdays and Christmas. Instead, give her the gift of experiences you can share together. A girl usually wont remember the presents you gave her for each birthday, but she will always remember the birthdays you weren’t there for. Little girls crave a relationship with their father. Starting when they are young will provide the platform for future years.

Like many difficult things in life, parenting girls doesn’t come with a manual. The closest thing I know of to an “instruction book” for parenting girls is Steve Biddulph’s international best seller, Raising Girls. I would encourage you to read it and keep searching for other resources that will help support you in raising a happy and healthy daughter.