In the final installment of our narcissism series (you can catch up on part one here, and part two here!), we’re looking at dealing with the narcissist parent in your life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) parents use a variety of tactics to keep their children under control, including guilt, emotional blackmail and withdrawal of love. You may be able to relate to scenarios where your parent has said the following: “I’ve sacrificed my life for you”; “I can’t live without you”; “Do what I say or I’ll punish you”. The best approach in dealing with your NPD parent is dependent on how much they are in your life. Living with them full-time will require a different approach compared to children who live with them part-time or are old enough to move out. Below are some of the most frequent suggestions when dealing with an NPD parent:
- Grieve the parent.
Sadly, your parent is not what a parent SHOULD represent – a loving, supportive and unconditional figure in your life who puts their child’s needs first. It’s time to reassess your expectations of this person to avoid further hurt and disappointment. You may not have physically lost them, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve what you once hoped your relationship could have been.
- Avoid gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the NPD parent lies and makes you question the world you live in. In turn, children can start to feel as though they are going crazy. Trust your perceptions and stick with your gut, chances are you’re more often right than your NPD parent makes you out to be.
- Don’t try to change them.
Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change only leaves you mentally drained. Accept that this is their behaviour and try to move forward. Don’t participate in any games they play with you – it’s easier to give in than to try and win. Your aim is not to improve your relationship but to let it be what it is, different.
- Find the right support.
You’re not getting a nurturing relationship from your NPD parent, so it’s time to start searching elsewhere. Not everyone may understand your situation, so it may take a bit of time to find the right supports. Examples include school counsellors, therapists, extended family and friends who are invested in you and your well being. The goal is to create that surrogate family you once hoped to have with your parent.
- Boundaries are essential.
Setting boundaries with an NPD parent ensures that you’re engaging with them on your terms. This may include setting rules such as ringing before calling in, or having supervised visits between them and your children. Don’t give in to their over the top reaction to your rules. They may not have boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.
- Create distance.
Keeping to measured contact may be the best way to interact with the NPD parent. Limiting yourself, for example, to seeing them on their birthday or in public areas puts you in control. Again, you may receive an over the top reaction to these terms, so stay firm.
- Sometimes, it’s easier to let go.
If he/she is non-compliant with your rules, you may have to resort to cutting them off.
- Self-care.
When dealing with an unpredictable parent, it can be taxing on your health. Spend some time looking after yourself – the little things can do wonders! Breathing exercises, taking a bubble bath or drinking a nice cup of tea in your favourite jammies and slippers can be soothing for the soul. Pampering yourself is key – the aim is to focus on you and block out the negativity that is your parent.
There are plenty of online support blogs and resources that provide education on narcissism and sharing experiences on dealing with an NPD parent. Band Back Together Project (http://www.bandbacktogether.com/), Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/), Guess what is Normal (http://guesswhatnormalis.com/), and Narcissistic Support (http://narcissistsupport.com/) are just a few to point you in the right direction.
