We all experience conflict in our relationships. It’s not pleasant, and whilst we’re out to make a point in the heat of the moment, we usually want to resolve the issue sooner rather than later. However, some couples go through what is considered to be a very destructive behaviour, and the second greatest predictor for divorce – the act of stonewalling.
Stonewalling is a term that was developed by psychologist Dr John Gottman, who specialises in relationship research and therapy. It refers to a person who “withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded” (Lisitsa, 2013). Unlike having space for a time out from your partner to collect your thoughts and assess the other person’s perspective, stonewallers use this extended time out to avoid the problem at hand, at times even withdrawing from communication for months on end.
Eighty five percent of stonewallers in heterosexual relationships are males. It is said that they remove themselves from the situation as a way of avoiding escalation of the problem. From their perspective, it is a way of keeping things neutral and disconnecting from any potential outbursts. However, what their actions are physically demonstrating to those on the receiver end is they don’t care enough to resolve the problem. Stonewallers adapt to this method of coping for many reasons – they have difficulty expressing their emotions; they successfully used it as a defence mechanism as a child and have carried it into adulthood; fear of conflict; or past traumas.
The mental process of a stonewaller can be scripted as below by Gottman Institute blogger Ellie Lisitsa (2013):
“If I can just shut it out, if I can pretend not to see it or hear it, the problem won’t be there anymore. If I can just get through this, it will poof and disappear”.
What often happens, however, is that avoidance in dealing with the problem takes a toll on the loved one who is on the receiver end of the stonewalling, causing a deterioration in the relationship and after repeat occurrences, breakdown in the marriage. From the receiver end of stonewalling, it has been described as frustrating, unbearable and isolating. In fact, women have been found to show physiological arousal such as increased heart rate, along with increased stress levels, anxiety and even depression when experiencing stonewalling from their partner (Meyer, 2015). This is due to desperately trying to resolve the issue with their partner who is not receptive to dealing with their feelings.
“The person who chooses to stonewall is no longer participating in self-reflection and subsequently personal growth. By doing so, they are no longer contributing to the health and well-being of their relationship as they have become a hindrance to moving forward. In addition, the partner that wishes to remain engaged and continue working on their dynamic may often become angry, frustrated, and resentful as their efforts are ignored. The partner may begin to feel disrespected, undervalued, and even begin to question if this is the type of behaviour they are willing to tolerate in a loved one” says Mary Spease, couples therapist (n.d.).
So what ways can you improve your relationship when you’re dealing with a stonewaller?
As the stonewaller…
Know when to take a break: Rather than removing yourself once you’ve hit your breaking point, recognise earlier on that your feelings are starting to escalate and you’re becoming overwhelmed. By expressing this earlier in the confrontation, you’re giving both you and your partner the opportunity to make the decision to have a time out before things get too overheated.
Learn how to communicate with your partner: Emotional regulation is required to ensure that both parties’ needs are met in the relationship. It is the stonewaller’s responsibility for regulating the emotions experienced during conflict, not the partner’s. This may require attending individual or couples therapy to explore what skills are required to appropriately communicate rather than shut down.
Learn how to soothe your soul: Whether you enjoy listening to music, reading a book or going for a run, know what works for you to defuse those unwanted and unpleasant feelings you are experiencing during conflict. It gives you an opportunity to take some self-care, whilst giving you both the opportunity to re-explore the issue once you’ve cooled down and emotions have settled.
Be assertive in resolving these issues: As the stonewaller, you need to decide whether you want to change your behaviour. If the answer is yes, assertiveness is key. No half-assing around, you’re wanting to be front of the class and taking down notes on what you need to do in order to change your ways. Immediate action is required if you want to repair your relationship.
Be honest: If stonewalling is your mechanism to drive your partner away, do everyone a favour and have the courage to speak up and end the relationship.
As the receiver of stonewalling…
It’s not about you: For some people, their emotions run either high or low and not much in between. One minute they’re cool as a cucumber, and the next, they’re seeing red. Know that this is the way they’ve learned to cope and it’s their responsibility, not yours, to work on regulating their emotions so that they can contribute appropriately to conflict resolution. Whilst you may bear the brunt of it, it is more than likely that they behave this way to others close to them such as siblings and friends.
Have weekly meetings: This doesn’t have to be anything formal; just checking in with each other, what’s going on in your lives and the agendas of the week ahead using positive wording and proactivity to understand each other’s needs. How often do you and your partner find yourself in an argument due to a double booking? By checking in and addressing these upcoming events, you gather an understanding of the important things in each other’s lives and avoid misunderstandings when communication is absent. An easy method to visually represent your lives is getting a joint iCalendar where you can label the level of importance of your upcoming activities.
Set boundaries: As a human being, the one thing you want to do is fix things immediately when you’re dealing with unhappy feelings in a relationship. This however can have a counteractive response on your stonewalling partner as the overwhelming pressure to face these feelings can push them further away. Know that by not engaging in their silence you’re setting boundaries; 1) you will not tolerate, nor engage in this destructive behaviour, and 2) you are letting them sit with their not so pleasant thoughts on their own, therefore forcing them to focus on their behaviour.
Resources:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon and Schuster.
Lisitsa, E. (2013). The four horsemen: Stonewalling. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/
Meyer, C. (2015). Stonewalling in marital relationships. Retrieved from http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/Stonewalling-In-Marriage-Relationships.htm
Spease, M. (n.d.).Full interview for PsychCentral article on couples and stonewalling. Retrieved from http://www.drmaryspease.com/full-interview-for-psychcentral-article-on-couples-and-stonewalling/
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